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The Lusty Argonian Maid
|value = 14 }} |oblivion = |value = 10 |id = 00078562}} |morrowind = |value = 20 |id = bk_lustyargonianmaid}} }} The Lusty Argonian Maid is a play written by Crassius Curio and is riddled with sexual innuendo. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female. Known locations Morrowind *Vivec City, found on the body of Crassius Curio Oblivion *Leyawiin in Southern Books. *Imperial City, found on the body of Gaston Tussaud. *Cheydinhal, the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary. Ocheeva owns a copy. Amusing, considering she is in fact an Argonian. *Deepscorn Hollow, next to the bed of the Dark Minion. *Gweden Farm, basement in the sleeping area. *Bliss, close to the entrance gate. *Imperial City Waterfront by the Pirates Skyrim *Honningbrew Meadery, next to the bed in the loft floor (Volume 2). *Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften), left of the altar of Dibella on the bedstand in Haelga's room (Volumes 1/2). *Lucky Lorenz's Shack, a crushed house across the river from the Abandoned Prison. Next to the body of Lucky Lorenz. *Winterhold Jarl's Longhouse, in a room on the second floor. *Riftweald Manor, located in the basement *College of Winterhold Arcaneum, in a stack of books. You have to search for it, but it's there. *Driftshade Refuge (Silver Hand hideout), on a bookshelf *Highmoon Hall (Morthal) Underneath Joric's Bed. Fort Dawnguard, Next to some potions and a bedroll. Go to Benkongerike in Solstheim and enter the Great Hall. On the right inside a hut you will find a big pile of the First and Second volume of the books. Contents 'Volume 1' Act IV, Scene III, continued Lifts-Her-Tail Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers. Crantius Colto Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers? Lifts-Her-Tail I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid. Crantius Colto So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail. Lifts-Her-Tail You embarrass me, sir! Crantius Colto Fear not. You are safe here with me. Lifts-Her-Tail I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not! Crantius Colto Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear. Lifts-Her-Tail But it is huge! It could take me all night! Crantius Colto Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time. END OF ACT IV, SCENE III 'Volume 2' Note: Volume 2 was added in ' '''Act VII, Scene II, Continued' Lifts-Her-Tail : My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven? Crantius Colto : This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise. Lifts-Her-Tail : If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task? Crantius Colto : Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands. Lifts-Her-Tail : You wish me to knead the loaf? Here? Crantius Colto : Of course. Lifts-Her-Tail : But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite. Crantius Colto : Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later. Lifts-Her-Tail : Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours! Crantius Colto : Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time. End of Act VII, Scene II Trivia *In The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, this appeared as a single book, however in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim it appears as two separate volumes: Volume 1, Volume 2. *The male lead's name, "Crantius Colto," is almost identical to that of the writer Crassius Curio. It is extremely probable that he wrote this as a "self-insertion" fantasy. Appearances *''The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind'' *''The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion'' *''The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim'' Category:Oblivion: Books Category:Morrowind: Books Category:Skyrim: Books